I have been rather conspicuous in my absence lately. I haven’t been responding to comments and I have only half-heartedly been throwing up posts with none of my previous enthusiasm. I have been feeling really awful about this and I couldn’t really put my finger on what was wrong with me. Then… it finally clicked.
I have talked before about my struggles with mental health. In the last couple of years, my OCD and anxiety have been pretty bad and it has taken me some time to get to grips with this. I had finally turned a corner, I was feeling more positive and confident again. It seemed like I was really on the way to making a full recovery. Until I wasn’t.
I also suffer from depression. It has been more or less under control for the last couple of years. However, the monster has reared its ugly head once more.
I have all the usual signs:
- poor concentration and memory lapses
- periods of extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping
- followed by bouts of insomnia
- feelings of hopelessness and pessimism
- overeating (big time)
- loss of interest in activities that normally interest me (I find reading a chore… which is pretty distressing for me)
- the usual aches, pains, headaches, digestive problems etc.
The list is pretty much endless. I have felt pretty crappy for a while but I really didn’t start to put it all together until I got a referral to visit a psychologist.
I had been waiting about 6-7 months for this appointment. I was really dreading it though because I am really terrible at opening up about stuff that is bothering me. I am an expert at ‘putting a brave face on’ and pretending everything is fine.
Approximately two minutes into the appointment, I started to cry and everything pretty much came flooding out. It was a relief to finally get it out to be honest. The psychologist was really helpful actually. I opened up about a lot of things and I was able to really talk through everything without feeling like I was offloading. My loved ones really care and have been great at helping me through the last couple of years but I had started to feel like a bit of a burden to them. I feel like it is unfair to put so much on others even though they would gladly bear it all for me.
I have another appointment in a fortnight to go through a treatment plan. It feels like there may be some light at the end of the tunnel again.
I am really sorry for neglecting things on here. Blogging has been such a lifesaver for me over the last couple of years so it has been awful not feeling any motivation lately. I am hopeful that therapy will mean a return to my old self soon though. I have no intentions of giving up my blog but I will probably be less active for a bit. I hope everyone is doing okay and that I will get a chance to speak to you all soon.