I have been rather conspicuous in my absence lately. I haven’t been responding to comments and I have only half-heartedly been throwing up posts with none of my previous enthusiasm. I have been feeling really awful about this and I couldn’t really put my finger on what was wrong with me. Then… it finally clicked.
I have talked before about my struggles with mental health. In the last couple of years, my OCD and anxiety have been pretty bad and it has taken me some time to get to grips with this. I had finally turned a corner, I was feeling more positive and confident again. It seemed like I was really on the way to making a full recovery. Until I wasn’t.
I also suffer from depression. It has been more or less under control for the last couple of years. However, the monster has reared its ugly head once more.
I have all the usual signs:
- poor concentration and memory lapses
- periods of extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping
- followed by bouts of insomnia
- feelings of hopelessness and pessimism
- overeating (big time)
- loss of interest in activities that normally interest me (I find reading a chore… which is pretty distressing for me)
- the usual aches, pains, headaches, digestive problems etc.
The list is pretty much endless. I have felt pretty crappy for a while but I really didn’t start to put it all together until I got a referral to visit a psychologist.
I had been waiting about 6-7 months for this appointment. I was really dreading it though because I am really terrible at opening up about stuff that is bothering me. I am an expert at ‘putting a brave face on’ and pretending everything is fine.
Approximately two minutes into the appointment, I started to cry and everything pretty much came flooding out. It was a relief to finally get it out to be honest. The psychologist was really helpful actually. I opened up about a lot of things and I was able to really talk through everything without feeling like I was offloading. My loved ones really care and have been great at helping me through the last couple of years but I had started to feel like a bit of a burden to them. I feel like it is unfair to put so much on others even though they would gladly bear it all for me.
I have another appointment in a fortnight to go through a treatment plan. It feels like there may be some light at the end of the tunnel again.
I am really sorry for neglecting things on here. Blogging has been such a lifesaver for me over the last couple of years so it has been awful not feeling any motivation lately. I am hopeful that therapy will mean a return to my old self soon though. I have no intentions of giving up my blog but I will probably be less active for a bit. I hope everyone is doing okay and that I will get a chance to speak to you all soon.
I think it’s incredibly brave of you to come forward and open up about your mental health issues. I hope your psychiatrist continues to be helpful and you find a way of coping. There’s no quick fix for things like these but you’ll feel far stronger as a person when you overcome it. Best of luck and I look forward to hearing more from you!
Thanks Madison. I feel like there is some hope again which is really great. I hadn’t realized just how bad it had gotten though, it just feels like it snuck up on me and all of a sudden I was really struggling.
Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. <3
I don’t feel as if you have anything to be sorry for. You are dealing with something extremely overwhelming (I’ve been there myself) and you need to focus on getting through it. You are extremely brave to be talking about all of this and I really do hope you are able to work towards getting out from under the weight depression can put one under. Heck, if it helps to blog about your problems, do it. Do whatever you need to get you better. That’s truly all that matters.
Thanks for the kind words Kristine. I’m hopeful things will improve soon. <3
It seems like you’re not alone in this among bloggers. There are others who recently confessed to suffer from depression and took blog hiatuses (…heck, even Jared Padalecki came out about that on Twitter a while ago). It comes a time when even blogging is no confort – or more of a struggle, because let’s face it, blog posts are a wonderful tool for releasing our feelings and thoughts, but are demanding too. So, nothing to be sorry for. Take your time and come back as new! We’re not going anywhere :).
Thanks Roberta. It does seem to be fairly common in the blogging community. You’re right, blogging can be quite a cathartic experience which can be really helpful, but sometimes it’s hard to feel motivated when you are really struggling. I love the community though and I will still be around when I can. <3
Thank you for being brave enough to share! I hope the psychiatrist helps you find ways of coping. You have nothing to be sorry for! Sometimes you need to take time for you! Wishing you the best. 🙂
Thanks Kelsey, I really appreciate your kind words. <3
*hugs back* <3
Aw, I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way, and I hope it gets better soon, but it does take a long time… I’ve felt this way myself pretty often lately. I’m not nearly as depressed as I’ve been before, but at the same time… now that the newness of college is starting to wear off, the excitement is slowly going away and it’s not distracting me from my depression anymore. So, yeah. I get what you mean about not wanting to read, blog, etc. My sleep is sooooo messed up and I’ve been eating too much and just barely staying on top of my assignments. BUT I’M TRYING. *hopeful face* We’ll get through this together.
Thanks Engie. <3 I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling as well. College is an exciting time but it can be difficult when depression hits. I was lucky that it didn't really get a hold of me until my final year at uni so it's awful that you are having to deal with it all whilst juggling all the new experiences you should be getting a chance to enjoy. We DEFINITELY will get through this together! I am always here if you need to talk. *hugs*